Never-ending questions...

So I'm trying to remember everything I was thinking about last night. Really, for the past few days now.

My life always seems to boil down to a series of questions. They seem to be never-ending, and often unanswerable. They seem almost to contradict themselves at times.
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My mind wanders to the idea of relationships, and developing relationships. It's a tricky business, I'm not really sure how it happens, what you should do. It can be very hard. In an ideal relationship, I imagine that each person cares equally for the other, thinks equally about each other, does equally for each other...but is that reality? I'd like to think that I could get to a point where this is true, but I wonder how possible it is. I think it might be to get really close, to have moments where everything is wonderfully equal. But in reality, I think that inequality is what happens, probably most of the time. Hopefully the inequality is not something that either person can't handle. My next thought adds even more complication: Why does everyone seem to be seeking immediate equality? Yes, that is the easiest thing, but is it fair? Right? Here is my exact question: At the beginning of relationships, why do people seem to not be able to stomach inequality, inequality that I feel is probably inevitable in most cases? If you think about it honestly, almost every relationship starts off at a point of inequality. One person has interest in the other person at a higher level than the other. In how many cases do people like each other equally off the bat? As a relationship grows and builds, it evens out more. But people, in my opinion, expect that balance to occur almost immediately, when in reality it takes time. I recognize that it takes a strong person to be able to fully accept that the other person doesn't like them as much, or that the feelings are in imbalance at all. But it is possible, and more people need to be ok with that.

Most people have at one point been in one of two situations: either in a position of receiving more than they give, or giving more than they receive. Specifically I'm thinking about feelings in a relationship. Most have either be liked more than they like the other, or have liked the other more than they are liked. This can be extremely difficult to deal with- I know because I've been in both positions, more than I can count. But I dealt with it. I do see that it could be seen as unfair for me to assume others can do what I did, or even for me to believe that how I handled things (or even my choice to handle things) is the best way. But I still believe it is. It is not inherently bad for one person to have stronger feelings than the other. It is just reality. And if you can suppress the urge to escape in fear from such a situation, the yield could be more than you ever imagined. But it does take risk. It takes conquering fear. It takes simply being ok with things as they are. And that is not for everyone.

I do think that you should not "hold on despite" in all circumstances. If you are not getting what you need, you need to address that- everyone should get what they need. But you need to examine your "needs" to make sure they are indeed what you say they are- needs. They might be unrealistic desires. And if they are, you could end up losing something great because of impatience. I've felt that pain, and worse- the pain of not knowing if you lost something great, backing out because of inequality that you felt was unbearable. I think the latter is the most painful, and I don't ever wish to feel that again. What's almost more important is to be able to make a sound decision, and live with it. Know within yourself that you made the best decision possible, whatever that means.
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My mind is jumping all over the place, but everything is connected. If in no other way, than by me thinking about it all now.
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Another question that has plagued my mind (for at least the past year) is this: why do people ask questions to which they do not want the answer? I've noticed something, in relationships that I've been in- people ask questions that, if answered the way they do not want them answered, would crush them. I know there's needing to know, but some things you don't really need to know. One of the things that immediately comes to mind is this situation: Two people are speaking on the phone- one says those three fateful words- "I love you." The other doesn't respond- at least not by saying it in return. The questions that always seems to be asked at some point is "why didn't you say 'I love you' back?" Why would you ask that question? In my mind, by virtue of the fact that the sentiment was not returned says in some way that either the person doesn't feel the same, or they aren't ready to say it. Let them be. They will say it when they are ready- which may not be when you are ready for them to say it. If the person answered your question truthfully- "I didn't say it because I don't love you," you would be crushed. And possibly rightly so. So why ask the question, if you know you cannot take the response? I think that if you are not ready (as ready as one can be for the unknown) for any response, don't ask the question. Leave it alone. I try to live by that. If I would not be ok with any answer given, or more specifically, if I would not be ok with the worst answer that could be given, I don't need to ask the question. And I don't. Curiosity killed the cat. That statement's origin has some meaning, some truth. This same principle can be applied to much lesser things than a declaration of love - tying it back to my previous questionings, the question of "do you care about me as much as I care about you?"

My suggestion- really think about what you want to know and why. Is it really necessary? Is knowing something (or not knowing something) going to completely shatter your world? If not, leave it alone. If it is information you really need to know, then by all means, ask. Fulfil your curiosity. Some things we need to know. Other things, I've come to realize, don't really matter all that much in the grand scheme of things. Of course these are judgement calls. We all see things differently. What's important to me is not necessarily important to you, and vice versa. Learn what you need to know. Other than that, let it be. Is it going to shatter the relationship if you do not know who his previous girlfriends were? If she hates your haircut, or thinks you need to work out more? If the other person doesn't feel as strongly about you (assuming you both do care, I say NO). These are just thoughts. Probably incomplete. But I wonder about these things...
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I read back over all of this, and I see how disjointed it is. It doesn't make sense. I have again failed to adequately capture the true workings of my mind. Perhaps I should have stayed awake last night when I was thinking about most of this, probably more clearly that in a while. But I didn't. The night's sleep provided the rain that dissolved all of my thoughts, and the heat of the new day evaporated almost all of what was left. All I have now are wisps of thoughts, steaming back up into the sky, awaiting the accumulation of another inevitable cloud of thought, which who knows when will come. So I wait...and brood.

Don't get too comfortable...

So I had a thought earlier today, related to men and women and long term relationships, more specifically marriage: When do you allow yourself to become so comfortable with someone that you cease to try to impress them?

This idea came to me amidst thoughts about older people and fashion sense- I've taken note of several of the older people I work with, people around my parent's age, and the way they dress. It occurred to me that most people don't seem to go that extra step they probably used to when they were younger- put extra effort into their appearance. Not that these people look terrible, or can't dress well; just that they seem to put minimal effort into it. This is just my perception- maybe these people really are putting effort into their appearance, and I just don't see it as such. But what I'm gleaning is that they are not going the extra mile, something that younger people seem to do all the time.

The first thing I guessed was the reason for this phenomenon is that younger people tend to be single, and therefore probably looking in some way to attract a mate. This would require effort. Older people tend to be in relationships, and thus aren't looking for anyone. They don't need to impress anyone- they're already with someone. This in my opinion is the root and primary cause of this phenomenon.

For example, two different women: both the same age, both working in similar occupational fields. The first is, in my opinion, a phenomenal dresser. She clearly takes pride in her appearance, but it goes beyond that- she can wear very fashion-forward pieces as well as more classic attire, even throwing on heels often. She is also single. The second woman: again, the same age, but married. She always looks nice, no doubt- but I wouldn't say she puts that extra effort in (at least not as much, although I can't really think of when she does at all). She seems to be much more concerned about comfort. She doesn't go for many contemporary looks, except in the area of hair. All of the things she wears seem to be chosen for comfort over everything else, even down to the shoes. I haven't seen her in heels in years - she typically wears non-descript flats. (Now, I am by no means a fashion guru, but I do catch the occasional "What Not to Wear" and faithfully read my monthly subscription of GQ, so I like to think I have some fashion sense.)

I pondered the difference between these two women - one single, one married, both with very different styles of dress -and that led me to the idea of being single versus being in a relationship. Seeking to impress versus not needing to...or at least not feeling a need to.

All of this led me to think about men and women and impressing their partner, even in the midst of a long-term relationship. Should you ever be so comfortable that you don't try to impress your partner? That you don't look to get/keep their attention? I know that you shouldn't need to get their attention- you already have it. But the basis of the idea should still remain. Why do people feel that just because they have someone, and that person is committed to them, that they don't need to do what they initially did to get them?

Your relationship should never be predicated on you trying to impress your partner. But you should still want to impress them, depsite knowing that you do not need to impress them. You should be beautiful to your partner no matter how you look or dress...but you should also try to look beautiful for your partner. This isn't limited to just women either- men need to continue to do what they did to get their woman in the first place. Look nice. Take care of your body.

If you aren't the most fashion forward person, or contemporary looks aren't for you, there are new ways to approach classic looks. Don't comprimise yourself, but don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone.

Never get too comfortable...

..To Those Who Raised Me...

This is in response to a blog my mother wrote about me leaving home for work:
http://revdonc.wordpress.com/2008/08/09/its-a-new-season/#comment-112

I've always found interesting the different perspectives that make a whole picture. I think it's becoming easier to see things from other people's points of view as I get older. I've always wanted to get out on my own, have my own life, take my own journey. But as I got older, and I realized the different directions my journey might pull me in, I started to realize the conflict that was building inside of me as well. I've alway longed for more than what I had- not so much because I was ungrateful, but more so I believe because I know God's promise for me, and I want it. But now my journey has pulled me away from my family, at least physically. It's hard to make these choices, knowing that also as I have grown older the importance of family has grown within me. I think I experience that same conflict, wanting to be close to home and with my family but at the same time needing to stretch my wings and go for what I've always wanted.

I too felt a difference between my previous departures from the house and this time. In every time before, I knew I was coming back. This time, it really hit me that I was moving...starting my life in another place, for however long that may last. And this time it is not guarenteed- I may be here a year...two or three...or many more. It's a hard reality to swallow at times. When I look at myself in the mirror I see a boy still, a little kid. I don't feel like an adult. But I know I am. I have a job. A real one, where people will look to me to be the expert, to be the problem-solver. Am I ready? I do not know. I worry every day that I will be revealed as a fake, someone who is all talk but doesn't know anything e's talking about. I worry that the people at Wake Forest will wonder, "Why in the world did we hire this person?" But I try to take comfort in the knowledge that I DO know what I am talking about, I am competent, and have always been blessed with success...
....and I was raised by the most wonderful and amazing parents anyone could have asked for. Raised in such a way that it is recognized by everyone I encounter. That I have been taught, and taught well, how to be a man.

Even as my journey leads me away from those who know me best, I will never forget nor take for granted those who have made me who I am today:

Donna and Gerald Cox

My parents.

The Unwritten Spoken

I want to write for you,
but I don't yet know the words...

A single thought of you leaves images swirling and swarming violently around the annexes of my mind,
but the violence is beautiful.

My world is shifted by your presence, thrown off balance, toppled over,
but the chaos is calming.

Entire symphonies and movements compose themselves within me, the ink from the pages forming pools of musical metaphors that flood together until they have no other option but to pour from me, streaming out of my fingertips onto paper, strings, and ivory keys,
but the sound is so pure only souls can comprehend its meaning.

You cause the creation of languages unspoken and unwritten, wars that have yet to begin are fought over you,
but my struggle is worth it.

I want to write for you,
but I do not yet know the words....

Simply Complex...

I am a simply complex individual.

I think it's very hard for people to understand that. I think what's more is that it's even harder for people to appreciate that. I'm not even sure that I should expect people to understand that...but I do, because it's who I am, and I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved. It's easy for me to grasp why people may not fully comprehend the idea that I am simply complex. It's a simple idea. But it's complex. I think I am just now coming into a full understanding of what that means to me, who it is I am. But knowing that it is hard for people doesn't lessen the desire to be understood any...

I find myself often in contemplative moods. I don't really want to talk when I'm in these moods, I just want to think, to feel. Explore the innermost crevices of my minds, the furthest reaches of my emotions. I reflect on things past, present, and future. I catch up to myself, as if I was a DVR that someone had paused for a moment, but now wished to sync back with real time. I just take time to be.

I think these moments happen for me in part as a result of my dual personality, my dual tendencies. I am almost two different people. I started off as more of a introvert. I am a very reserved person. I am quiet. I think. I feel. I observe. I am really a loner- I am comfortable by myself, always have been. I like to be alone with my thoughts. But there is my other side. The other part of my personality, the flip-side of my coin, is a very outgoing, extroverted person. I like to be around people. I like to make jokes. Interact. Be loud. I don't care what my birth sign is, I feel that my soul is much more in line with Gemini. I am two people. I am this and that. I am hot and cold. I am everything and I am nothing. I am simply complex.

3 Minutes of Rediculousness...

A Milli-o-naire I'm a Young Money Milli-o-naire
Tougher Than Nigerian Hair
With a soul and a style that runs deeper than the Nile
I mean dapper like a snapper eatin' sole in the Nile
Go fish then go figure, get your figures get 'em figured Out
Silly like the rabbit but my tricks'll cut you in ya mouth
Like Cap'n Crunch I'll crunch you up and then I'll spit you out
Gettin' indigestion from digestin' all your screams and shouts
If ignorance is bliss, then you happy than a mutha
If you pool together all your thoughts its still more like a puddle
Muddled, I can't understand you, you too jumbled
Stumble, all over your words like Elmer Fudd-le
Shoot ya, Buggs ya, slap ya, mug ya
Straight up disrespect you and I war-o-tug ya
You'll be facin' wards-for but your eyes be facin' wards-back
The only way you readin' is by readin' Chinese syntax...

Hahahaha! I was in a stupid mood...I'll get serious some other time.