Never-ending questions...

So I'm trying to remember everything I was thinking about last night. Really, for the past few days now.

My life always seems to boil down to a series of questions. They seem to be never-ending, and often unanswerable. They seem almost to contradict themselves at times.
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My mind wanders to the idea of relationships, and developing relationships. It's a tricky business, I'm not really sure how it happens, what you should do. It can be very hard. In an ideal relationship, I imagine that each person cares equally for the other, thinks equally about each other, does equally for each other...but is that reality? I'd like to think that I could get to a point where this is true, but I wonder how possible it is. I think it might be to get really close, to have moments where everything is wonderfully equal. But in reality, I think that inequality is what happens, probably most of the time. Hopefully the inequality is not something that either person can't handle. My next thought adds even more complication: Why does everyone seem to be seeking immediate equality? Yes, that is the easiest thing, but is it fair? Right? Here is my exact question: At the beginning of relationships, why do people seem to not be able to stomach inequality, inequality that I feel is probably inevitable in most cases? If you think about it honestly, almost every relationship starts off at a point of inequality. One person has interest in the other person at a higher level than the other. In how many cases do people like each other equally off the bat? As a relationship grows and builds, it evens out more. But people, in my opinion, expect that balance to occur almost immediately, when in reality it takes time. I recognize that it takes a strong person to be able to fully accept that the other person doesn't like them as much, or that the feelings are in imbalance at all. But it is possible, and more people need to be ok with that.

Most people have at one point been in one of two situations: either in a position of receiving more than they give, or giving more than they receive. Specifically I'm thinking about feelings in a relationship. Most have either be liked more than they like the other, or have liked the other more than they are liked. This can be extremely difficult to deal with- I know because I've been in both positions, more than I can count. But I dealt with it. I do see that it could be seen as unfair for me to assume others can do what I did, or even for me to believe that how I handled things (or even my choice to handle things) is the best way. But I still believe it is. It is not inherently bad for one person to have stronger feelings than the other. It is just reality. And if you can suppress the urge to escape in fear from such a situation, the yield could be more than you ever imagined. But it does take risk. It takes conquering fear. It takes simply being ok with things as they are. And that is not for everyone.

I do think that you should not "hold on despite" in all circumstances. If you are not getting what you need, you need to address that- everyone should get what they need. But you need to examine your "needs" to make sure they are indeed what you say they are- needs. They might be unrealistic desires. And if they are, you could end up losing something great because of impatience. I've felt that pain, and worse- the pain of not knowing if you lost something great, backing out because of inequality that you felt was unbearable. I think the latter is the most painful, and I don't ever wish to feel that again. What's almost more important is to be able to make a sound decision, and live with it. Know within yourself that you made the best decision possible, whatever that means.
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My mind is jumping all over the place, but everything is connected. If in no other way, than by me thinking about it all now.
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Another question that has plagued my mind (for at least the past year) is this: why do people ask questions to which they do not want the answer? I've noticed something, in relationships that I've been in- people ask questions that, if answered the way they do not want them answered, would crush them. I know there's needing to know, but some things you don't really need to know. One of the things that immediately comes to mind is this situation: Two people are speaking on the phone- one says those three fateful words- "I love you." The other doesn't respond- at least not by saying it in return. The questions that always seems to be asked at some point is "why didn't you say 'I love you' back?" Why would you ask that question? In my mind, by virtue of the fact that the sentiment was not returned says in some way that either the person doesn't feel the same, or they aren't ready to say it. Let them be. They will say it when they are ready- which may not be when you are ready for them to say it. If the person answered your question truthfully- "I didn't say it because I don't love you," you would be crushed. And possibly rightly so. So why ask the question, if you know you cannot take the response? I think that if you are not ready (as ready as one can be for the unknown) for any response, don't ask the question. Leave it alone. I try to live by that. If I would not be ok with any answer given, or more specifically, if I would not be ok with the worst answer that could be given, I don't need to ask the question. And I don't. Curiosity killed the cat. That statement's origin has some meaning, some truth. This same principle can be applied to much lesser things than a declaration of love - tying it back to my previous questionings, the question of "do you care about me as much as I care about you?"

My suggestion- really think about what you want to know and why. Is it really necessary? Is knowing something (or not knowing something) going to completely shatter your world? If not, leave it alone. If it is information you really need to know, then by all means, ask. Fulfil your curiosity. Some things we need to know. Other things, I've come to realize, don't really matter all that much in the grand scheme of things. Of course these are judgement calls. We all see things differently. What's important to me is not necessarily important to you, and vice versa. Learn what you need to know. Other than that, let it be. Is it going to shatter the relationship if you do not know who his previous girlfriends were? If she hates your haircut, or thinks you need to work out more? If the other person doesn't feel as strongly about you (assuming you both do care, I say NO). These are just thoughts. Probably incomplete. But I wonder about these things...
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I read back over all of this, and I see how disjointed it is. It doesn't make sense. I have again failed to adequately capture the true workings of my mind. Perhaps I should have stayed awake last night when I was thinking about most of this, probably more clearly that in a while. But I didn't. The night's sleep provided the rain that dissolved all of my thoughts, and the heat of the new day evaporated almost all of what was left. All I have now are wisps of thoughts, steaming back up into the sky, awaiting the accumulation of another inevitable cloud of thought, which who knows when will come. So I wait...and brood.