The Unavoidable Truth

So I realized the other day that I'm getting older. And I'm actually OK with it.

Although the physical age of the students I work with is definitely a contributing factor (some of these kids were born in '91 and 92 even!!), it's not the main reason. Yes, not only am I almost 10 years older than you, and I have extremely clear memories of what was happening in my life in 1991 and 1992. Yes, you speak about Nickelodeon and TGIF tv shows that you only know about because of reruns or YouTube (All That, Are You Afraid of the Dark, and Boy Meets World) and I watched the first episodes ever aired, live. Yes, you believe Soulja Boy and Gucci Mane are hip-hop artists, and anything that Diddy made after he changed his name to Diddy is good music. All these things make me feel old...but they aren't the main reasons.

What really makes me feel like I'm getting older is the mental difference between where some of the students I work with are and where mine is now. I feel worlds apart at times, as if a chasm the size of the Grand Canyon has suddenly erupted between us. Or maybe I've just been trying to straddle that chasm, keeping one foot on the side where you stand and one foot where I am, and the strain of maintaining my balance without falling in has simply gotten to be too much. Whatever it is, I feel as though I am in a completely different place mentally and maturity wise - which is a good thing. I have let the the undergraduate student in me go, completely.

Many of you may be thinking that this is what should happen, how it should be, and that this is a great thing. I agree. Except that now I find it increasingly hard to be as patient as I was before. I find it harder to tolerate immaturity, and struggle to find sense in some of the things these students do at times, wrestle to understand their mentality. I have to make myself remember what it was like to be 20 years old, and how I thought when I was that age. The only problem is...to my knowledge, I didn't think exactly along the same lines about many things, even when I was 20. It's crazy because I could be 100% correct in this thought, but I could also be horribly wrong and simply not have the ability to recall my mentality all those years ago.

Is this what it feels like to get old? To not remember what it was like to be young? I swore as a child I would not be one of those people. I suppose the only way to really ensure that I don't forget these things is to write them down now, so I can look back over the notes of my life when I'm older.

So for now I'll just keep getting older, and try not to hold it against younger people when they try my patience because of immaturity. I'll try. Lol.

Back in Business

I haven't posted in forever. I definitely need to get back on my game. It's the end of a school year, and those who know about academia know that it's the end of most of the excitement. My office is empty - hasn't been that way in...hmmm, ever! It's been a good year, I must say. My first job - success. I'm looking forward to the beginning of next year already. This summer should be interesting, to say the least. What will Wake and Winston be like without all the students? Probably quite boring, lol. But I'll try to enjoy myself, have some fun, get some things done. I definitely will get back on my blogging.

I've been having a lot of conversations of late with graduating seniors. It brings back a lot of memories, to say the least. The main thing I've been telling them is that things change when they leave, but not always in the ways they might expect. As I saw myself when I left school, you will be surprised who you keep in contact with, and what you think about your time spent. Those you thought would be your best friends may fall by the wayside, and people you never considered as close friends may come closer to your heart. It's crazy.

Well...that's it for now. May be an abrupt ending, but that's a blog for you, lol. More to come.

We Plan, God Laughs

It's funny how we as humans are so consumed with making plans. We think about every possibility possible, contemplate scenario after scenario, until we've laid out calculated and detailed plans about what we want to do, and how we want to do it. And we prepare oursevles for these "eventualities."

And then, everything falls apart.

Our carefully laid plans are carelessly dismantled, like someone using a blender to shred a business plan. We realize that we couldn't have been less prepared if we had not made any plans at all. In fact, we probably wouldn't have been less prepared had we planned for the most outrageous, unlikely scenario possible.

Despite this, do we stop planning? No. We continue to do that which, in the end, in most circumstances, proves to be a waste of time. Why? Because it's in our nature. We do not feel secure unless we plan. It is one of our attempts to control our fate, our destiny.

Do I try to plan? Yes. Does it work? Maybe 15% of the time. And that's being generous. Will I stop planning? Probably not.

Such is life.

H-Town Rundown

So some random stuff out here in H-Town...I went to this club last night, Bam Bou. It was Latoya Luckett's birthday, and MIMS was in the building pushing his new album, as well as Estelle and Vince Young. Estelle didn't sing though, I was a little dissapointed, I really wanted to hear her rip it. I went with my homegirl Stephanie. It was a cool time, the club was nice but the architech needed to rethink some of his or her designs.This is the 2nd picture we've taken together on the same website, ironically (I remember taking this one Steph!! hahaha!). Cool times.

Went up to the Galleria mall today too, tried to do some shopping. Didn't really succeed, kinda mad about that. I did however see the funniest book I've ever seen in my life. It's called How to Live With a Huge Penis: Advice, Meditations and Wisdom for Men Who Have Too Much. I thought it was hilarious. You be the judge thoug, I suppose.
Quick shoutout to my friend Charlotte...she saw this street sign in DC and sent me the pic. Boricua!!

Last Night

It's the last night in New Orleans. I must say I've eaten some good food the whole time I've been here. Fried catfish, shrimp (skrimps), po' boys. Tonight I had some alligator sausage (the bomb!!) and jambalaya, crawfish ettoufette...so good. I love the food down here. Tomorrow morning it's on to H-Town. I'm definitely gonna be eatin' steak all day, lol. Since we're leaving at 6am, I think I'll head to sleep soon. More to come.

Let Us Break Bread Together

Ate at this dope restaurant today - Remoulade - in New Orleans, it's on Bourbon. I hat a combo fried basket - fried catfish, oysters, and shrimp. It was good, except they didn't have any hot sauce (other than Tobasco, which for anyone who eats hot sauce knows isn't hot sauce). Hit the streets after that...saw some strippers (in the street, not in the strip club), some street walkers, some TNA...NOLA is crazy. Whatever. Bout to hit them sheets. Holla in the morning.

PS- Oh yeah, doesn't this bread from the restaurant look like the original communion bread? Hahahahaha!

At the Hornets' Game in New Orleans

We were mad far up in the stands. I felt like I was climbing Mt. Everest. One false step and it was over...Shout out to Wake's Gospel Choir for doing their thing with the National Anthem.

Road Trippin' with Wake's Gospel Choir

I hate riding on buses. I'm too tall and I can never get comfortable. We've been driving now for about 12 or 13 hours, we're maybe 45min from New Orleans, the first destination. I'm so ready to get off this bus, lol. It's ok thought, anything for the students. Tonight they're singing the National Anthem at the Hornet's game, should be a good time. After that, hit the streets of NOLA! More to come...

Live and Let Live

So when I wake up this morning my thoughts gravitate towards the idea of anger and irritation. Not that I am angry or irritated this morning, but I was just thinking about it. I am definitely someone who isn't prone to getting extremely angry - it takes a lot to get me mad. But I do let myself get irritated or bothered by little things quite often. It's actually pretty oppressive, if you think about it. See, if you're anything like I am, when any small thing is wrong with you (i.e. you're sad, angry, frustrated, blah blah), you don't seem to function correctly. That emotion consumes you, to the point where you have to do something about it just so you can get your equilibrium back. that's oppression. The feelings are in control, they are upsetting the natural balance of your life. So my solution? Stop getting so irritated by things that probably don't matter any in the long run! Particularly if it's a small irritation. Unless you are going to (justifiably) get steaming mad about it, just full of rage because the injustice done to you was so magnificent that you simply cannot ignore it....let it go. Brush it off. Laugh. Get over it, or yourself. Or both. But most importantly....let it go. The hardest part (for me) is letting it go, moving beyond the frustration. I tend to hold on to feelings for a long time. I don't want to, I just find it hard to let them go. But I need to work on that, and I suggest you do to. If you can manage it, you can free yourself to enjoy your life. Life is definitely too short to get caught up in ridiculousness. This rings so much truer with people. If you have friends who can sometimes irritate the hell out of you (and I mean small things, not huge, relationship-ender things), just try to remember that you love that person and move past whatever it is. If it helps, think about the fact that you definitely annoy that person too, at some point. That's what friends are for. You thank yourself in the end, when you realize all the lost time you've gained back. So try it. Live...and let live.

Mind on Food

I'm definitely lacking thoughts right now. At least I'm lacking thoughts that I want to write about. I missed the entire weekend of blogging. What can I say, I'm not perfect, lol. I'm watching Iron Chef...great show. I'm trying to up my cooking skills even more. I feel like I'm in a rut with cooking. I do a lot of the same recipes over and over. I need to expand. I think I'm going to start going to Whole Foods at least once a month and going all out on a meal, something just mad crazy. I did seafood-stuffed Tilapia the other day, it turned out really well. I'm trying to get away from pastas as much, for some reason, unless I can find some interesting pasta dishes. Let me know if you have some good recipes I should try. I swear, one day I'm going to open a restaurant, lol.

Until tomorrow.

Secret Cookie Giver

So someone sent me some cookies yesterday, lol. As in, how you might send someone flowers but cookies instead. I came into my office and there was a box of custom cookies with a bow and everything, note included. It wasn't anything romantic, the note just said "Keep your head up, Jonathan!" The note was not signed. It's a mystery...I've been trying to figure out who it could be. No success thus far. But I'm happy. I was having a bad day, and that definitely made me feel better. Trying to enjoy life as much as possible. This definitely helps. :-)

William Rast

So I got my new GQ the other day. It's a must have. Not the issue, the magazine in general. It's one of the books I live my life by, a guide of sorts. Mainly for fashion and styles, but it also has good info for general lifestyle tips. They have some of the flyest gear ever...too bad at this point in my life I can afford maybe .7% of it, lol. One day. Anyways, my dude Justin Timberlake (ha, my dude, like I ate dinner with that man last night or something) has a nice line of clothing, William Rast. It's crazy. One day I'll be able to afford that too. But check the threads. It's definitely time for me to get a new suit.

F@#! the Police

I debated about whether I should title this blog the way I did, but in the end I wanted my blog to be an accurate reflection of my life as it is presently - my good, bad and otherwise. I HATE the police. They abuse authority. I have yet to come across a police officer who did what I really needed them to do at the time. They come when unsolicited, and when I actually could use a good office around, they come and harass (if they come at all). The source of my current frustration? I got a frikin' ticket last night. For NO reason. Now, I can say this in all honesty because of several reasons. 1) My driving record is far from stellar. I've had too many tickets in my day, and many of them I did deserve (although none I wanted, of course). I take responsibility for my actions - if I was speeding, and got caught, I got a ticket. That's fair. I know when I was clearly in the wrong, and when I was being wrongfully accused or being given no leniancy. 2) The situation in which the cops (yes, copS plural) gave me the ticket was fishy as hell. I checked my speed as I was passing the cop (which we all do, whether we're speeding or not), and I clearly saw the speedometer well below 40 (the posted limit was 35). Had the cop gave me a ticket for going 37 in a 35, I would have been pissed, but couldn't have really argued. The cop cited me for going 52 mph. How rediculous is that?? 52? Word? Furthermore, the policeman who stopped me was not the policemen who gave me the ticket. Why do you need to tag team an offender? There was another guy who was pulled over at the same time as I was - why was the same cop handling both cars?? The other cop (the one who pulled me over) was standing around doing nothing (and might I add, resting his hand on his gun while I spoke with the other police officer. Uneccesary. Especially after I clearly identified that I worked at Wake Forest University. Last time I checked, people who are going to attack cops don't work at private institutions of higher learning.) My theory - the cop needed to meet his quota for tickets, which is why his buddy pulled me over and let the other guy write the ticket. Of course I asked to see the radar, which the policeman happily obliged. Which of course read 52 mph. But how do I know that was actually my car? There is no way to prove that it was or wasn't. You can radar a car on a highway at any point during the day, and keep that speed on the radar to use against anyone. And as I said, I know I was not going 52. In a 35. At night, for no reason. I wasn't late anywhere. I had nowhere to be. Word? Why would I drive 17 miles over the speed limit with nothing to do? Again, had he said 37, 38, 40 even, I would probably just sucked it up. But when its that high, I know you're lying. And to top it all off, as I tried to reason with the man he naively said that if I went to court, the judge might listen to me and revoke the ticket. Raise your hand if you are a person of color (particularly a male, or a Black male) and you have EVER had a ticket revoked by a judge? I see no hands.

So as you can see, I'm pretty pissed. But of course, in the eyes of "the law," and society, when I step (if I step) into court in front of a judge, I'll be just another angry Black man who claims that he is being treated unfairly. This is why I have absolutely no faith in the justice system, and in the people who are supposed to be protecting and serving the public. F$#@ the police.

Love and Let Go

A thought occurred to me the other day, about relationships: one of the hardest things to deal with for ended or past relationships is accepting that your entire role in this person's life was to get them ready for someone else. The idea that people are in your life for seasons, which can be short or long, is a crazy idea, but true. This becomes particularly difficult to deal with I think when you were in a relationship where there may have been only one or two things (small or large) that were keeping the relationship from moving forward. Maybe this person had a bad habit you didn't really care for. Maybe they didn't express their emotions enough for you. While you were in the relationship, everything seemed to be in line except that one thing, and that one thing caused so many problems and arguments, to the point that eventually you and that person separated because of it. But you planted a seed. And away from you, that seed grew. You see the person with someone else later on, maybe weeks, months, years down the line...and you see that whatever issue you had with that person is no longer a factor. They "got it together." Whatever you disliked about them is now fixed, no longer an issue. And the only question you can ask yourself is, "why couldn't he or she get that right when they were with me?" You question yourself. "What was wrong with me?" "Was I enough?" "Why couldn't they do that for me?" But the truth of the matter (sometimes) is that it just might have taken that relationship with you to get that other person to the point where they could change, where they could better themselves. And maybe they weren't for you. It has nothing to do with you. But that can be one of the hardest things to accept.

I say let it go. Don't think of it as something that highlights deficiencies in you, think of it as something that you could do positive for someone else, some way you could help someone else grow into the best person they can be. You are not inadequate (and they are not a liar or a jerk for not being that person you wanted them to be when they were with you). Let it go. Be happy. Move on. I know it's easier said than done, but if you can do it, it can completely free you.

Back in the Saddle

Sometimes I really hate metaphors, particularly cliche ones, lol. But I, like most, use them anyway. I'm determined to get back into writing. It's beneficial in so many ways, especially for me. I also had a striking realization a couple weeks ago. I started having dreams in which I wrote entire songs...verses, chorus, bridges, all that...but when I woke up I couldn't remember any of them. If that isn't a clear sign that I need to get back to writing, I don't know what is. Also, I've struggled to pinpoint my passion for years now. In vain. Everyone always asked me what my passion was, what the one thing I loved doing was. I could never answer, because in my mind I had no passion. Stupid. Sometimes, most times, the things we need to see are right in front of us, practically gouging our eyes out because they are so close. I love music. Always have. Always will. That is the one thing I can say I consistently have loved my entire life. I feel like it's time I make moves to pursue my passion. So I'll start by writing. Making time for music in my life, aside from as background noise. One step. The journey of a thousand miles...

Never-ending questions...

So I'm trying to remember everything I was thinking about last night. Really, for the past few days now.

My life always seems to boil down to a series of questions. They seem to be never-ending, and often unanswerable. They seem almost to contradict themselves at times.
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My mind wanders to the idea of relationships, and developing relationships. It's a tricky business, I'm not really sure how it happens, what you should do. It can be very hard. In an ideal relationship, I imagine that each person cares equally for the other, thinks equally about each other, does equally for each other...but is that reality? I'd like to think that I could get to a point where this is true, but I wonder how possible it is. I think it might be to get really close, to have moments where everything is wonderfully equal. But in reality, I think that inequality is what happens, probably most of the time. Hopefully the inequality is not something that either person can't handle. My next thought adds even more complication: Why does everyone seem to be seeking immediate equality? Yes, that is the easiest thing, but is it fair? Right? Here is my exact question: At the beginning of relationships, why do people seem to not be able to stomach inequality, inequality that I feel is probably inevitable in most cases? If you think about it honestly, almost every relationship starts off at a point of inequality. One person has interest in the other person at a higher level than the other. In how many cases do people like each other equally off the bat? As a relationship grows and builds, it evens out more. But people, in my opinion, expect that balance to occur almost immediately, when in reality it takes time. I recognize that it takes a strong person to be able to fully accept that the other person doesn't like them as much, or that the feelings are in imbalance at all. But it is possible, and more people need to be ok with that.

Most people have at one point been in one of two situations: either in a position of receiving more than they give, or giving more than they receive. Specifically I'm thinking about feelings in a relationship. Most have either be liked more than they like the other, or have liked the other more than they are liked. This can be extremely difficult to deal with- I know because I've been in both positions, more than I can count. But I dealt with it. I do see that it could be seen as unfair for me to assume others can do what I did, or even for me to believe that how I handled things (or even my choice to handle things) is the best way. But I still believe it is. It is not inherently bad for one person to have stronger feelings than the other. It is just reality. And if you can suppress the urge to escape in fear from such a situation, the yield could be more than you ever imagined. But it does take risk. It takes conquering fear. It takes simply being ok with things as they are. And that is not for everyone.

I do think that you should not "hold on despite" in all circumstances. If you are not getting what you need, you need to address that- everyone should get what they need. But you need to examine your "needs" to make sure they are indeed what you say they are- needs. They might be unrealistic desires. And if they are, you could end up losing something great because of impatience. I've felt that pain, and worse- the pain of not knowing if you lost something great, backing out because of inequality that you felt was unbearable. I think the latter is the most painful, and I don't ever wish to feel that again. What's almost more important is to be able to make a sound decision, and live with it. Know within yourself that you made the best decision possible, whatever that means.
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My mind is jumping all over the place, but everything is connected. If in no other way, than by me thinking about it all now.
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Another question that has plagued my mind (for at least the past year) is this: why do people ask questions to which they do not want the answer? I've noticed something, in relationships that I've been in- people ask questions that, if answered the way they do not want them answered, would crush them. I know there's needing to know, but some things you don't really need to know. One of the things that immediately comes to mind is this situation: Two people are speaking on the phone- one says those three fateful words- "I love you." The other doesn't respond- at least not by saying it in return. The questions that always seems to be asked at some point is "why didn't you say 'I love you' back?" Why would you ask that question? In my mind, by virtue of the fact that the sentiment was not returned says in some way that either the person doesn't feel the same, or they aren't ready to say it. Let them be. They will say it when they are ready- which may not be when you are ready for them to say it. If the person answered your question truthfully- "I didn't say it because I don't love you," you would be crushed. And possibly rightly so. So why ask the question, if you know you cannot take the response? I think that if you are not ready (as ready as one can be for the unknown) for any response, don't ask the question. Leave it alone. I try to live by that. If I would not be ok with any answer given, or more specifically, if I would not be ok with the worst answer that could be given, I don't need to ask the question. And I don't. Curiosity killed the cat. That statement's origin has some meaning, some truth. This same principle can be applied to much lesser things than a declaration of love - tying it back to my previous questionings, the question of "do you care about me as much as I care about you?"

My suggestion- really think about what you want to know and why. Is it really necessary? Is knowing something (or not knowing something) going to completely shatter your world? If not, leave it alone. If it is information you really need to know, then by all means, ask. Fulfil your curiosity. Some things we need to know. Other things, I've come to realize, don't really matter all that much in the grand scheme of things. Of course these are judgement calls. We all see things differently. What's important to me is not necessarily important to you, and vice versa. Learn what you need to know. Other than that, let it be. Is it going to shatter the relationship if you do not know who his previous girlfriends were? If she hates your haircut, or thinks you need to work out more? If the other person doesn't feel as strongly about you (assuming you both do care, I say NO). These are just thoughts. Probably incomplete. But I wonder about these things...
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I read back over all of this, and I see how disjointed it is. It doesn't make sense. I have again failed to adequately capture the true workings of my mind. Perhaps I should have stayed awake last night when I was thinking about most of this, probably more clearly that in a while. But I didn't. The night's sleep provided the rain that dissolved all of my thoughts, and the heat of the new day evaporated almost all of what was left. All I have now are wisps of thoughts, steaming back up into the sky, awaiting the accumulation of another inevitable cloud of thought, which who knows when will come. So I wait...and brood.

Don't get too comfortable...

So I had a thought earlier today, related to men and women and long term relationships, more specifically marriage: When do you allow yourself to become so comfortable with someone that you cease to try to impress them?

This idea came to me amidst thoughts about older people and fashion sense- I've taken note of several of the older people I work with, people around my parent's age, and the way they dress. It occurred to me that most people don't seem to go that extra step they probably used to when they were younger- put extra effort into their appearance. Not that these people look terrible, or can't dress well; just that they seem to put minimal effort into it. This is just my perception- maybe these people really are putting effort into their appearance, and I just don't see it as such. But what I'm gleaning is that they are not going the extra mile, something that younger people seem to do all the time.

The first thing I guessed was the reason for this phenomenon is that younger people tend to be single, and therefore probably looking in some way to attract a mate. This would require effort. Older people tend to be in relationships, and thus aren't looking for anyone. They don't need to impress anyone- they're already with someone. This in my opinion is the root and primary cause of this phenomenon.

For example, two different women: both the same age, both working in similar occupational fields. The first is, in my opinion, a phenomenal dresser. She clearly takes pride in her appearance, but it goes beyond that- she can wear very fashion-forward pieces as well as more classic attire, even throwing on heels often. She is also single. The second woman: again, the same age, but married. She always looks nice, no doubt- but I wouldn't say she puts that extra effort in (at least not as much, although I can't really think of when she does at all). She seems to be much more concerned about comfort. She doesn't go for many contemporary looks, except in the area of hair. All of the things she wears seem to be chosen for comfort over everything else, even down to the shoes. I haven't seen her in heels in years - she typically wears non-descript flats. (Now, I am by no means a fashion guru, but I do catch the occasional "What Not to Wear" and faithfully read my monthly subscription of GQ, so I like to think I have some fashion sense.)

I pondered the difference between these two women - one single, one married, both with very different styles of dress -and that led me to the idea of being single versus being in a relationship. Seeking to impress versus not needing to...or at least not feeling a need to.

All of this led me to think about men and women and impressing their partner, even in the midst of a long-term relationship. Should you ever be so comfortable that you don't try to impress your partner? That you don't look to get/keep their attention? I know that you shouldn't need to get their attention- you already have it. But the basis of the idea should still remain. Why do people feel that just because they have someone, and that person is committed to them, that they don't need to do what they initially did to get them?

Your relationship should never be predicated on you trying to impress your partner. But you should still want to impress them, depsite knowing that you do not need to impress them. You should be beautiful to your partner no matter how you look or dress...but you should also try to look beautiful for your partner. This isn't limited to just women either- men need to continue to do what they did to get their woman in the first place. Look nice. Take care of your body.

If you aren't the most fashion forward person, or contemporary looks aren't for you, there are new ways to approach classic looks. Don't comprimise yourself, but don't be afraid to step out of your comfort zone.

Never get too comfortable...

..To Those Who Raised Me...

This is in response to a blog my mother wrote about me leaving home for work:
http://revdonc.wordpress.com/2008/08/09/its-a-new-season/#comment-112

I've always found interesting the different perspectives that make a whole picture. I think it's becoming easier to see things from other people's points of view as I get older. I've always wanted to get out on my own, have my own life, take my own journey. But as I got older, and I realized the different directions my journey might pull me in, I started to realize the conflict that was building inside of me as well. I've alway longed for more than what I had- not so much because I was ungrateful, but more so I believe because I know God's promise for me, and I want it. But now my journey has pulled me away from my family, at least physically. It's hard to make these choices, knowing that also as I have grown older the importance of family has grown within me. I think I experience that same conflict, wanting to be close to home and with my family but at the same time needing to stretch my wings and go for what I've always wanted.

I too felt a difference between my previous departures from the house and this time. In every time before, I knew I was coming back. This time, it really hit me that I was moving...starting my life in another place, for however long that may last. And this time it is not guarenteed- I may be here a year...two or three...or many more. It's a hard reality to swallow at times. When I look at myself in the mirror I see a boy still, a little kid. I don't feel like an adult. But I know I am. I have a job. A real one, where people will look to me to be the expert, to be the problem-solver. Am I ready? I do not know. I worry every day that I will be revealed as a fake, someone who is all talk but doesn't know anything e's talking about. I worry that the people at Wake Forest will wonder, "Why in the world did we hire this person?" But I try to take comfort in the knowledge that I DO know what I am talking about, I am competent, and have always been blessed with success...
....and I was raised by the most wonderful and amazing parents anyone could have asked for. Raised in such a way that it is recognized by everyone I encounter. That I have been taught, and taught well, how to be a man.

Even as my journey leads me away from those who know me best, I will never forget nor take for granted those who have made me who I am today:

Donna and Gerald Cox

My parents.

The Unwritten Spoken

I want to write for you,
but I don't yet know the words...

A single thought of you leaves images swirling and swarming violently around the annexes of my mind,
but the violence is beautiful.

My world is shifted by your presence, thrown off balance, toppled over,
but the chaos is calming.

Entire symphonies and movements compose themselves within me, the ink from the pages forming pools of musical metaphors that flood together until they have no other option but to pour from me, streaming out of my fingertips onto paper, strings, and ivory keys,
but the sound is so pure only souls can comprehend its meaning.

You cause the creation of languages unspoken and unwritten, wars that have yet to begin are fought over you,
but my struggle is worth it.

I want to write for you,
but I do not yet know the words....

Simply Complex...

I am a simply complex individual.

I think it's very hard for people to understand that. I think what's more is that it's even harder for people to appreciate that. I'm not even sure that I should expect people to understand that...but I do, because it's who I am, and I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved. It's easy for me to grasp why people may not fully comprehend the idea that I am simply complex. It's a simple idea. But it's complex. I think I am just now coming into a full understanding of what that means to me, who it is I am. But knowing that it is hard for people doesn't lessen the desire to be understood any...

I find myself often in contemplative moods. I don't really want to talk when I'm in these moods, I just want to think, to feel. Explore the innermost crevices of my minds, the furthest reaches of my emotions. I reflect on things past, present, and future. I catch up to myself, as if I was a DVR that someone had paused for a moment, but now wished to sync back with real time. I just take time to be.

I think these moments happen for me in part as a result of my dual personality, my dual tendencies. I am almost two different people. I started off as more of a introvert. I am a very reserved person. I am quiet. I think. I feel. I observe. I am really a loner- I am comfortable by myself, always have been. I like to be alone with my thoughts. But there is my other side. The other part of my personality, the flip-side of my coin, is a very outgoing, extroverted person. I like to be around people. I like to make jokes. Interact. Be loud. I don't care what my birth sign is, I feel that my soul is much more in line with Gemini. I am two people. I am this and that. I am hot and cold. I am everything and I am nothing. I am simply complex.